Believing in Something
by FarTooMuchTimeOnMyHands
Summary: I guess I'm writing the kind of story I would like to read. Needless to say I have never done this before. This story basically uses the 50 shade characters but it's a different take. What if Ana isn't the confident girl who can stand up to Christian? Maybe life has taken a different turn. Here goes.
1. Chapter 1

I guess I'm writing the kind of story I would like to read. Needless to say I have never done this before. This attempt only appears after a glass or two of wine! Might not be everyone's cup of tea but I'd like to give it a go.

This story basically uses the 50 shade characters but it's a different take. What if Ana isn't the confident girl who can stand up to Christian? Maybe life has taken a different turn. Here goes.

Anastasia Steele sits at her desk diligently working, distracted, fully absorbed in a task at hand. To some these tasks would be disappointingly dull but Ana welcomes the routine and familiarity of what she is doing.

Ana

In the few months I have worked at Grey Enterprise Holdings as an administration assistant I have come to welcome the daily tasks and routine. I don't enjoy change; it is an unwelcome visitor to my plain of existence. Some people thrive on this uncertainty but for me this visitor has been callous and merciless. And so, today as I leave I let myself smile inwardly, that a day has passed when I've known what to expect and nothing has unsettled me. I've come a long way, as hard as that is to believe, and although it might not be obvious to those around me, I'm still moving... despite my past I know I have a future.

I grab my jacket and exchange simple goodbyes with a few colleagues. I've kept myself to myself, guarded and suspicious, but still Clare and Toby have made an effort with me and as I leave for class I linger, talk and give what I can. "Off to class?" Toby asks. "Yes" I respond cheerfully. "We can't tempt you to drinks then?" Clare offers. "I wish, maybe next time", I respond. All the while knowing I'm unlikely ever to accept their invitation. Inviting as it sounds.

On the bus I pull out a few notes. I really should prepare better, maybe spend some more time in the library. Finals are fast approaching, I'm anxious and I use any spare minute to pour over my notes. When I first started studying I wasn't sure if I had what it took. I can't say I'm overly confident now but I've learned to believe in myself a little, at least in this academic setting. It's been a life line and one that I cling too.

When the class is dismissed I feel reassured, not confident but committed. This is something I enjoy and it's hard to believe that my night time, my night line, will soon come to an end. Actually, that might be a little dramatic because there are plenty of other course available, some of which I wouldn't mind looking into. This has given a direction to my life and a course that I'm not willing to abandon.

I get home, secure the door and have a light snack before turning in. Darkness is sometimes a comfort and sometimes a menace. Tonight it is absorbing me, welcoming me and I am a willing arrival. I turn things over in my head but the certainty of the day has soothed me and I eventually nod off. Not all nights end like this one and I'm grateful for the momentary release.

I wake, shower and head to work. I'm not sure if nature or nurture created my worrisome personality but it brings me to work early and most days this is beneficial – or at least neutral to my life. Today I enter the lift and find it already has an occupant. This gentleman was already in the lift when it opened at the lobby, having travelled from the garage. He is tall and quiet, yet intimidating. I shrink to the side of the elevator, wondering why my timing is always just off. Mr Grey is dressed in a dark, expensively cut suit. He is undoubtedly handsome but it's another worrisome fact that I acknowledge this. The lift ascended and after a few floors the silence is broken. Mr Grey utters, "Good morning". To which I respond with a sound resembling speech but not exactly comprehensible. When the lift opens I walk out with as much dignity as I can muster. I get to my desk and it is as if normal service resumes. I have come to rely on this desk, this computer, these people and surroundings. That's not a good sign for me. The longer it goes the more I will rely on them and the harder it will be to leave.

Over the next few weeks life continues on, much the same as it had been. I work and study and occasionally I pass Christian Grey. I've exchanged a few pleasantries with him. Lately I've managed to sound human. I've worked hard not to be so deferential, I can't deny that he has achieved a lot for someone so young but I don't feel that looking up to him in awe is appropriate. This morning I managed to squeak out the good morning before he had the chance – I'd say that was a result but it was borderline squeak so nothing to be proud of.

Christian

At first I didn't notice her. She makes herself small and does little to draw attention. I have a great number of employees, most if not all female staff and a few male are distracted by the surface – my exterior qualities. I've worked hard to keep a distance. My family know the loyalty I have for them, the love. Relationships, in the most abstracted form, are not something I easily cultivate. Yet this girl who stands aloof to me, who minimises her acknowledgement of me, is an enigma. Imagine my surprise when I start to notice this girl. Gentle, fragile, human. Where did she some from? Well at least I can answer these questions with the help of a phone call.

I hear about her background. How her mother passed away and she was raised by a step father. I hear an account of the upbringing and find it troubling. She has endured something, although official accounts only include unconfirmed rumours. One look at her has convinced me these are more than that. It seems certain that I should steer clear. I have my own demons to overcome, how could I possibly help another? But I already feel myself being pulled in.

Can I call this a beginning ...?


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you kindly to those who commented – I appreciate the encouragement. This is definitely longer than I expected... and harder. I hope not to disappoint but it's following the plan from my head - for better or for worse.

Ana

I wake up, weary from the outset. Last night was not as restful as recent sleeps. My past likes to come to me and whisper in my ear all my worst fears and reminding me that I'm worthless. It taunts me in the darkness. In my dreams I experience the past and on a bad night it likes to foretell a bleak and lonely future. I sit up and take a few minutes to gather myself. As I gently rock I remind myself that everything is alright. I've left the past behind me; I've moved away from it and begun to build a future for myself. Seattle is the fourth town I've lived in. I've saved enough money already that I could leave if I had to. The first time I fled it was difficult but I've learned from that. I've learned not to be quite so paranoid, I've learned to be a little more prepared. Maybe the past just visits, maybe it isn't chasing me.

When I'm out the shower I grab some clothes and stop for a second to look at the dress I've bought to wear at graduation. It's not something I'd ordinarily buy. It's red to begin with, but it's tasteful and I smile when I think about wearing it. When I'm dressed I leave for work. There is no denying that I live in a rundown part of town. My apartment looked like the scene from a horror movie. Cleaning it up gave me a purpose and grounded me while I searched for work. My only stipulation about where I lived was that it had to be near public transport and living somewhere cheap lets me save. Of course my tuition has hampered this but studying has given me some self belief and in the long run I hope it will improve my job prospects, giving me a little more financial security. It should make running easier.

Christian

It would be wrong to say that I time my arrival to coincide with Ms Steele's arrival. I absolutely do but it would be wrong to say it – that is, no one would dare to say it. Of course only Taylor is aware of my effort. God knows what he thinks. Today as the lift stops, she lifts her head expectantly and steps inside. Is she happy to see me? Used to my presence in the morning? "Good morning Mr Grey" she states quietly but clearly. I marvel at the effort it must take. How different she sounds from the first morning I greeted her. "Good morning Miss Steele" I respond. And when she exits the elevator I bid her a good day. I'm rewarded by a tight nod of the head. Progress! I know everything about her professional life within Grey Enterprise Holdings. Her commitment and hard work at her entry level job; the way she keeps an emotional distance from her colleagues. That part of her personality I can connect with. Although with me it seems natural to the people around me – I am their boss, I keep a professional distance. For her it's a little unnatural, those around her suspect she has issues. Luckily for her, and for them, they accept the little she gives of herself and carry on.

Ana

I'd say it's surprising that he knows my name but there is something capable about Christian Grey. I can't help but think he knows everyone's name, maybe a little bio about us all. I try not to let that distract me. I find his stillness to be calming but I try not to let that distract me either. This morning I need to ask Stacey, who managed my section, if I can have the morning or the day off for graduation. I've thought about skipping it but I think it will be good for me. Then there's the dress – I smile again. When Stacey arrives I give her a few minutes to get settled before I walk over. "Morning Stacey" I chirp. I'm trying to implying by my light tone that I won't be troublesome. "Morning Ana, what can I help you with?" she responds. "I was wondering if I could have the 25th off?" I see a slight frown cross her face and can tell this won't be as easy as I'd hoped. "Ana, I'd like to say yes but we are snowed under just now what with the big takeover" Stacey points upstairs as if to clarify where all the business has been conducted. I might keep myself to myself but I realise that Grey Enterprise Holdings is in the last stages of buying out a new business. But I decide to push it – I really would like to go. "Maybe I could make the time up. Even if I just get a few hours off" I press. Stacey seems to think for a minute before brightening. Then she leans forward and says, "If you work a few Saturday's overtime I'm sure I could swing it for you". Then continues, "What with mergers and acquisitions being so busy we could use some extra admin hours". I immediately agree. I wouldn't turn down the over time anyway, but this way it almost appears like I'm doing her a favour. And I realise she thinks it appears as though she is doing me a favour. I'll try to look on the bright side and call that win win.

When Saturday arrives I'm the only passenger in the elevator. Some people find their place of work unsettling – slightly spooky – when it's empty. I like the space, knowing there is no one around. I'm in a familiar environment, one usually busy but today with just me in our office I feel like I can relax. The first few hours pass and they have been productive and reassuring. I plan to stop for lunch in the next hour or so and there is plenty to be getting on with until then. When I walk to Stacey's desk to get the next pile of work I hear a faint ring from my desk. Of course there is a telephone on all desks. Mine doesn't ring that often – something close to never and I've turned the volume down so it doesn't catch me off guard. I pause a beat, staring at my desk as if the phone will stop or at least that an explanation will present itself. I move to get it and it stops. I must have waited too long. No harm done I tell myself.

As I sit back down it starts again and hesitantly I pick it up. Its then that I realise I should have given a thought to what I say. The silence must only last a second or two but to me it feels like a chasm opening – threatening to at least mortify me so I hastily remember how Stacey responds and attempt the greeting. The person on the other end seems to mirror my pause and I wait silently. Then a familiar voice speaks softly "Good morning Miss Steele". I respond with a short and sharp good morning. The last person I expected to speak to today was Christian Grey but here he is, talking to me on the phone or at least attempting to. I need to pull myself together. "Can I help you with anything Mr Grey" is the best I can do and not too bad either. Immediately he responds sounding pleasant and patient. "Yes Miss Steele, I was wondering if the McCauley file is ready." "It is Sir, yes" I respond. Part of this morning's task was to copy and file the last remaining paperwork. This work isn't essential to the deal – hence why it has fallen to our department. "Thank you Miss Steele. Perhaps you would be so kind as to bring it to my office" Mr Grey asks. And there goes my peaceful work environment. "I ... um ... I ... ... I will bring it right up Mr Grey" Is not how most would choose to respond but it does the job. Mr Grey to his credit doesn't sound phased. He replies with a kindly thank you and as I sit there wondering what happened to my day as he hangs up the phone. I breathe and it seems deep and loud. I go back to Stacey's desk to gather the papers and make my way to the lift.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you once again, I really appreciate the messages I've received. I can't 100% say how this story will end but i'll do my best not to disappoint. I hope you enjoying reading this chapter.

I don't think I have the ability to respond to comments or messages yet - since my account is new - so AvonLou, Michelle1m2005, Really True Love, Sue2603, Hersar1997, Pielietje, DonKosak, Pookiebear3, SmileRose, CyannaS, Tammy, 7, AnnahD, , Ari, Drizzlle14, 3, Luvdisney2007 - Thank you!

Chapter 3

Ana

In the lift I reason that there are other people working today and that there is no reason for my slight yet growing anxiety. The lift opens into an understated yet refined reception. It has the look of our office but somehow it carries itself with a little more dignity. Through the office doors I catch sight of a few individuals and realise Mr Grey and I aren't the only ones in the building. Perhaps there will be an assistant waiting for this file and I can skulk back to my desk without another embarrassing stumble over everyday language. As I turn the corner I see that the universe has decided I'm to be punished for the ease of my morning because Christian Grey is standing at the threshold to his office. He catches sight of me and finishes his conversation; he turns and greets me with a warm smile. I'm captivated and confused and it's at this moment my body takes over. I flush, I feel my heartbeat rise and I know I should be weary but I've stopped denying how I feel in his presence. I think my almost daily exposure to him has softened my resistance. I try a small smile in return and step forward, offering the file.

Christian

I see her as she turns the corner. I only came to work today because of the overtime Stacey has arranged for her to do. I'm a little annoyed about it because rightfully she was asked to do the overtime herself, but it has given me this opening. I've tried to reason with myself to not get any closer. Anastasia has already had a tough time and what do I have to give? It wouldn't be right to expose her to the type of relationship I normally have, but what then? Flynn has suggested I break the ice with her and let it take a natural course. Sometimes he is more devil on my shoulder than therapist. He knows my desire for control yet he suggests I just let it run! At first I was intrigued by her, then interested and now what? Can I be attracted to someone without knowing them more? Maybe I am intrigued by the similarities of our past and a desire to know how that shaped her, the type of person she is. I aim for casual as I smile and take a step back into my office. I open the door for her as she smiles back. She is blushing but she seems more at ease than the first time I saw her. Ana is different from the women I spend my time with. Maybe I am ready for different. I have to let this run, I want to let this run. And so I say "Come in Miss Steele, coffee?" To my surprise she steps into my office and responds. "I prefer tea Mr Grey and please call me Ana".

Ana

I somehow managed to follow him, somehow stay on my feet and somehow respond. Reflecting I realise I've more or less agreed to have a hot drink when I actually intended to leave the file and run back to my sanctuary. He may be my boss and I may be in his office willingly but I can't let this get away from me. He walks to his desk, sits and calls his assistant. "Bring me coffee and some tea for Miss Steele". Christian looks casually dressed, young and handsome in his light blue jeans and white shirt. I blush again realising weekend working probably doesn't call for the more formal work attire that I am wearing. I move to his desk and set the file down. He watches me with his head slightly tilted. I have the strangest feeling that Christian Grey can read me. He seems aware that I'm tense and he has adopted a passive position to reassure me. I politely, and I hope, firmly say, "Mr Grey, the file. If there isn't anything else then I won't keep you from your work". He pauses, again I wonder if this is a deliberate action aimed to allow me a little space. It is calming and yet it has me worried. There is nothing a man like Christian Grey could want from me. I worry that this is my own delusion and that in the long run I'll suffer for it. As I turn to leave he gracefully stands. He doesn't move from behind his desk but addresses me casually. "As you wish Anastasia. However, I'm planning to stop for lunch at one and I hoped you would join me". I stop breathing and look at him. My look is full of suspicious, maybe terror. What does he want from me? "Breath Anastasia, breath" he whispers. I can't decide what to do. I take a slow, shallow breath and begin to move towards the door. I don't run and I try to rein in how unsettled I feel. _Everything is alright _I tell myself and I repeat it over and over as I take the lift and make my way to my desk.

Christian

Well that went well! Fuck! Flynn will answer for this. Anastasia looked horrified at my offer, terrified even. I should keep away from her. She deserves someone understanding, not someone broken, damaged and troubled. I get out the file Welch compiled and pour over it again. Anastasia has moved a lot, however, she seems a bit more settled in Seattle. She is soon to complete studies here and has worked steadily, albeit in low skilled jobs, since she arrived. There is nothing in her file about therapy and despite my current anger at Flynn I must acknowledge the progress I've made with him. God knows my desire to know Anastasia better doesn't stem from my experiences with Elena or the subs.

I decide to give Ana some space - something I need and often prefer. I will call her again before one about lunch. She seemed so startled I might organise something in the office. I call Taylor and explain what I need. He mentions something about the Fairmont Olympic and I hang up knowing Taylor can handle it, maybe better that I can.

Time has ticked away and before I know it Taylor has arrived. He arranges the lunch at the end of the small conference table in my office. While he works I decide to go at fetch Miss Steele from her desk. I'm not convinced she would come willingly as the result of a phone call.

Ana

I refuse to look at the clock. It's racing as it does when uncertainty is ahead. Despite the speed with which time seems to pass I haven't achieved anything. What does Christian Grey want? Maybe I have this all wrong and the lunch is company policy when we work weekends. And maybe I'll tell myself anything to slow the passing minutes. Then I hear the ping as the elevator open. In the brief few seconds that it takes Christian to appear in my line of sight I consider running, refusing and plain old hiding but all to no avail. I am held captive by my apprehension. "Hi" he says. I stare back aiming for a neutral expression and almost certain that I've missed by a mile. He then continues, "I thought you may like to stay in for lunch Anastasia. It's ready in my office if you are free". I realise I am sitting in silence. I don't know what to say. I have a lunch prepared and I can't deny I had planned to eat in but ... And so as if it is the most normal thing in the world I stand, retrieve my lunch and follow Christian Grey back to the lift.

Christian

Well Anastasia is with me, she appears to be mute and she had provided her own lunch. It's more than I expected at least. We make our way to my office, I open the door for her and she strolls in. When Ana sees the lunch she stops, then turns to me and asks, "Are we having this?" I slowly loop around the table, giving her space and as I sit I respond, "You can eat this or your own lunch". After a beat Ana walks to the table and sits in the available seat next to me. She sets her lunch to the side and looks around at the food Taylor has arranged. "Thank you Christian, this looks delicious" she says in a warm and soft voice. I'm frozen for a minute, stilled by the sound on my name on her lips. I don't know how she is doing this, captivating me just by her presence. "Wine", I offer and she nods her head just the smallest amount. Only the slight tightness in her smile and across her shoulders betrays the anxiety I'm sure she must be feeling. And as I pour her a little cool, crisp white wine and she begins to consider the food in front of her I see the tightness loosen and I start to see the real woman underneath the guarded exterior. I like her but will she feel the same when see glimpses the real me?


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you for the support. I'm enjoying making my daydreams into real text. Sorry for the occasional errors. I find proof reading my own work a bit challenging. Perhaps when I get to grips with the site I can go back to make improvements/amendments. For now I will try to be a bit more studious!

Chapter 4

Christian

And so we have lunch together. At first Anastasia is quiet but she comments politely on the food. This is more picnic than formal dining I grant you but it feels good to spend some time with her. I ask her about her job; she chats a little, mostly about who she works with. It seems she likes Claire and Toby although I don't think she sees them outside of work. Ana lifts her glass and sips her wine. Before returning it to the table she says, "What do you like to do outside of work Christian?" I smile again hearing my own name said by her soft voice. I have a number of hobbies that I could share with her but I choose to tell her about sailing, about the distance it provides and what it's like to be away from the noise. She smiles and for the briefest of moments she closes her eyes, as if imagining the comforting solitude and peace.

Ana

The elevator ride up was a little like an out of body experience. Somewhere between the doors closing and the walk to Christian's office I decided just to go with it. I've already admitted to myself that I feel some comfort in his presence, and I guess I'm admitting now that it feels good. So I try to be a little less socially awkward, and I hope I don't regret it, but I try to share a little too. I don't expect anything to come of this and quite frankly this food is a reward itself - my poor abandoned sandwiches pale in comparison.

Christian's voice pulls me back. As I lift my glass for another sip of delicious wine he asks me about my studies. I place the glass back and respond "I've really enjoyed studying, it's been a gift" I say. Christian smiles and says, "Any thoughts what you will do after graduation? More studying or perhaps a graduate post?" I've never discussed this with anyone, although I've thought about it some. Maybe it's the wine which I'm not used to drinking or maybe it's the ease I feel around him, whatever it is I'm enjoying it so I tell him the plain truth. "In the longer term I guess I hope it will improve my professional position but I would also like to study more" I state. He seems to mull this over but before long we are interrupted by the intercom. "Excuse me", he says as he stands and leans over his desk to tap the answer button. "Yes", he snaps. "Mr Grey, Dr Trevelyan-Grey is on her way up" "Thank you Olivia" He responds. I decide not to over stay my welcome. I stand, deposit my napkin neatly on the table and retrieve my sandwiches, preparing to deposit them in the nearest obliging bin.

Christian

I knew when I spoke with my mother this morning she wasn't put off by my Saturday working explanation. I think my poorly thought out, on the spot responses gave rise to her suspicion more than my working at the weekend but still. I should introduce her to Ana. Firstly it will give my mother a signal that I'm not gay and if she's good enough to share the news with my siblings, it may even stop Elliot's endless gibes about the same topic. Ana has obviously decided otherwise and she is already rising from her chair probably thinking she is in the way. I decide to approach this head on, since that worked successfully earlier when I invited her for lunch! "Anastasia, are you leaving?" I ask. She gestures to the door and I can see she looks uncertain, maybe a little worried again. So I continue, "My mother is here somewhat unexpectedly, perhaps you can meet her before you go?" Ana stops, surprise registering on her face. She seems to think this through then continues to the door. I follow her out, my mother will be on her way up in the lift and willingly or not Miss Steele will probably have that introduction.

As we walk to the lift I see the surprise on Olivia's face. She gets a frosty look from me in return and dips behind the reception desk. We are almost at the elevator when it pings and the doors slide open. My mother walks out and as she sees me a smile of pure parental love spreads across her face. Despite my dislike of physical contact, even from her, I can't help but treasure my mother, my savour. When she joins us she lightly kisses me on the cheek and greets me warmly. In return I say "Good afternoon mother. Can I introduce you to my friend Miss Anastasia Steele? Anastasia this is my mother, Doctor Trevelyan-Grey." My mother barely misses a beat; the look of surprise makes a swift flight across her face, barely registering. She turns to Ana, extending her hand and affectionately addresses her, "Miss Steele, what a pleasure to meet you". Anastasia looks slightly aghast but to her credit she shakes her hand and responds saying, "Mrs Trevelyan-Grey, it's a pleasure to meet you. Call me Ana". My mother seems a little emotional and I worry that it's time to move her away from Ana before she does any harm. "Call my Grace, please Ana." She says as her smile spread further.

Ana

This is what I get for going with it. Everything seems relaxed and casual for a time. I adopted some alien devil-may-care attitude that came from goodness knows where. With the announcement of his mother's arrival I decided to leave, not suspecting the introduction waiting in ambush. As we near the elevator it suddenly occurs to me that this is where she will come from, but as we are here I decide to pray a silent prayer that I'll leave before she arrives. Olivia is at the reception desk. She sees me and she sees Christian and then a look of alarm spreads across her face. If this is her reaction to my keeping company with Christian, then what will his mother think? Then the ping announces her arrival and it's too late to think and too late to move. To her credit, the look of dismay that crosses her face is brief and she speaks kindly to me but I've spent my early adolescences, my formative years reading the looks of another, knowing the danger signs, reading subtle signals. I know when to be weary and I know when to back off. That look, though brief and followed by such genuine warmth, is still enough for me. I've made a mistake. The realisation is startling and somewhat unwelcome. Never the less, experience had taught me that I can't ignore it and so Monday I will take the stairs and begin looking for a new place of work, perhaps a new city.

Christian

As she enters the lift I say to Anastasia that I will see her on Monday, though I'm not sure I can wait that long. In response she just looks at me. Truly in her expression there is a lifetime waiting to be told, perhaps waiting to be lifted off her shoulders but the tightness in her eyes speaks of restraint and I can't help but think I lost her a little bit.


	5. Chapter 5

Thank you for the feedback. I am trying to write longer chapters and to have each chapter contain more action (!) but I'm also letting it do its own thing too – out of my head, onto the page. I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint xx

Chapter 5

Christian

My weekend passed in somewhat of a blur. Mia's return is almost all consuming. She is full of Paris and she positively bubbles with excitement for her life there. Add to this the news about Anastasia, which I wish I'd waited to share given that I don't know what's really happening. At every opportunity they say her name, ask a question about her, Elliot makes some irksome innuendo. And in every moment of peace I think about her, wondering what she is doing, consider the look on her face just as the elevator doors closed. I managed to speak with Flynn. He seems pleased that I've taken this step and truly I am too. This might be a step into the unknown but it's also an undeniable step into the future. I haven't called her as I don't want to press her but maybe Monday and the return of a regular rhythm to our days will reassure her.

Ana

I wake from a fitful sleep, I'm not rested and I'm uneasy. These dreams that chase me are unpredictable and not easily shaken. Even in unconsciousness I endure. Instead of waking completely I am held captive, remember the words and actions that scar me. I can't call my mother's death abandonment because I know she didn't want to leave but while I was immersed in the grief of what happened her third husband was altered. His grief changed the uneasy relationship we had into something darker, more damaging and cruel. So as I wake I'm not left screaming, but all the same it rocks me to my core. I'm undermined by my past, it reinforces my worst thoughts and it brings the incident with Christian Grey into focus. Over the course of the day I argue with myself. The constant internal dialogue first providing reasons to leave and then arguing the benefits of staying. I go to Mass – my solace on Sunday's and when I return the air and the walk has benefitted me. I'm clearer about my path. Mr Grey is to be forgotten, I am to be mindful of who I am and life will continue as it was. I'm alone in this world and a fool to think otherwise.

Christian

When she doesn't take the lift on Monday it is unusual. Monday sees the final documents signed on this deal. After today I can step back and let Roz assume control. God knows she is more that capable. Sometimes I marvel at my need for complete control when I'm surrounded by people like Roz, Taylor and even my own mother who could all do as well without me. As busy as the day gets my mind goes back to her. Anastasia is gentle and quiet but she obviously has determination, surviving what she has and building her life, however solitary. I admire her and if she'd just have gotten in the damn elevator I'd know her more. This anxiety for another person is unusual for me but I let my curiosity for her grow. I do want to let it run, just as Flynn suggested. However, I recognise when someone needs space and I let her be.

Ana

The day passes without me catching sight of Christian Grey. Perhaps the time we spent together was all a dream or delusion of mine. I think about Thursday and focus on graduation. I am pleased to have achieved this. Finals went by in a blur but somehow I withstood all my own doubt and succeeded. I won't let it carry me away but I must let it take me forward. This morning I reconfirmed my leave with Stacey. She is grateful for the over time I've completed but hints that a whole days absence isn't Ideal. I don't need the whole day so I offer to work some at the beginning and maybe the end of the day. When I return to my desk I have an email. Toby invites me to lunch with him and Clare. I initially intend to turn him down but on second thoughts I'm more concerned with being caught alone so I accept. Over lunch I think they allude to my lunch with Christian. Of course news has made its way from Olivia and in order to distract them I share my news about graduation, asking Clare's advice about how to wear my hair. She is so accommodating that she offers to help me with it on the day and since I would be lost without assistance I accept.

Christian

When Tuesday morning and then Wednesday arrives and Anastasia makes her way to her desk without me seeing her I know for sure she is avoiding me. I sit in my office wondering how to approach this without spooking her further. I wonder if a casual walk by her department is beneath me, then I realise I'd do anything to see her and know she is well, so I arrange to visit a neighbouring department. No one questions my paper thin pretence; they are all too busy preparing and wondering if my visit heralds news or a warning.

Ana

I'm busy tying up loose ends for my absence tomorrow. I'll be in and out so it's best to be prepared. I don't notice the coming and going down the corridor but a sixth sense tells me he is in close proximity. I see others see Christian Grey first. They drink him in greedily, consumed by his good looks and the penetrating looks from his startling gray eyes. What they don't know is that the man behind those eyes, the man behind that attractive exterior is thoughtful and courteous and understanding to those around him. I can't deny the sensitivity he had every time we spoke. The soothing presence I feel as he approaches my workstation. "Anastasia" he breaths as I forget how the process of breathing operates. It's as if everyone in our department has ceased breathing, only silence prevails. I respond, "Good afternoon Mr Grey". "I understand you graduate tomorrow Anastasia, is that correct?" _Shit_, yes that is right but how did this news reach him? I'm caught unaware but I'm not above placing blame and Stacey, Toby and Clare are all wide eyed.

Christian

She looks taken aback by my question. I smile reassuringly and give her a second to gather her thoughts. Of course I know this bit of information from the update I demanded of Welch. I also know that she has two tickets available to her, neither of which she has claimed. I can't let her experience such an event alone. It's obviously important to her and since the first time she discussed her academic life in my office, it's been important to me too. When she is ready she responds, "Yes, Mr Grey it is. I've arranged the time off in advance". My heart stutters, she thinks I care about authorising her leave! I take a breath and try to speak evenly, "Anastasia, I hope you have a wonderful day. Be sure to celebrate." Her eyes brighten at my words but her overall expression remains the same. She is resistant when before I felt acceptance. It's frustrating but I as I walk away I get my phone out. I don't feel a confrontation would benefit either of us but I'm going to have Taylor organise a ticket for me to her graduation.


	6. Chapter 6

I hope you enjoy this chapter. I've tried to make it a bit longer and move the story forward a bit more. :-)

Chapter 6

Ana

I wake from a relatively calm sleep grateful that I feel refreshed. I can't deny how much I've looked forward to this. The decisions I made at the weekend seemed to crumble when I saw Christian yesterday. How can I stay away when each experience of him has been soothing, healing and restorative? Perhaps today heralds a shift change in me, in the way I approach life. I'm naturally cautions given my past but the way I've protected myself has led to great distance between me and other people. Christian took a step to close that distance and while the feeling was foreign it was seductive, maybe even consoling. These weeks, these moments with Christian have been like a step into the unknown but that doesn't mean they are unwelcome. I sit at the end of my bed and wonder if I can make such a leap of faith. My past, my nightmares and my experience have always told me I was unlovable and destined to be alone. Yet a little of Christian Grey has tempted me to think otherwise. I finish getting ready and gather my change of clothes for later. I'm not completely certain what the future holds.

I arrive even earlier than usual. I want to be as productive as I can. Ideally I want the rest of the day to myself and perhaps I'll try to celebrate as Christian suggested. As the others filter into the office I continue to work steadily. Finally at the time we arranged Clare comes to my desk, I shut down and gather my dress and pieces for later. Clare and I travel to the lobby and in the main bathroom I change into my new dress. Clare is very kind about how I look and with her help I quickly arrange my hair to suit the style of my clothes. "Thank you Clare" I say to her warmly. "Oh Ana, you are so welcome. I hope you have a fantastic day" she responds as we make our way to the bathroom exit. I exit into the lobby slightly ahead of Clare and as I turn from holding the door I catch sight of Christian Grey across the marbled lobby. He stands still, facing me. He is dressed in a dark suit and there is an intensity to his gaze that captivates me. Beside me I hear Clare's take a sharp breath and I know she sees what I see. Even from across the lobby there is something warm and inviting about him and his expression. I've never wanted to believe in anything but as I turn to smile at Clare I make a decision to believe in Christian Grey.

Christian

I wait in the lobby, knowing full well that she is getting ready to leave. I'm glad Clare is helping her. Anastasia has a natural beauty and I don't think either she or Clare can improve upon it but I'm glad she's sharing this with someone and it's on her terms at least. When Ana emerges from the bathroom I get to drink her in for a few moments just before she notices me. She is wearing a beautiful red dress with a slightly 40's vintage feel. It has a modest neckline and movement in the skirt. She looks elegant and sophisticated. I want to hold her, I want to be close to her and know how she smells and what she thinks. I also don't want to frighten the living daylights out of her so I wait patiently for her as she starts to cross the lobby towards me.

Ana

The closer I get to him the more grounded and relaxed I feel. I'm drawn to him and it's like coming home. He meets me as I take my last few paces. Then his eyes meet mine and in a hushed and heavy voice he says, "Anastasia, you look so beautiful". I melt inside and there is no longer resistance, no longer fear. I look down at my nude simple patent pumps and revel in this moment of feeling cherished. When I look up I meet his eyes again and see they mirror my feelings of excitement. I can't help but return his glowing smile, "Thank you" I half say, half exhale. Christian takes my hand and for a moment we are still. Then he slowly begins to move. My body reads his and without further words we walk together towards the exit and the waiting black SUV.

Christian

I'm holding her hand; her delicate, soft and warm skin directly touching mine. There is a current running between us, almost a wholeness that was missing all our lives. We move together, headed to Taylor and the waiting car. Anastasia is glowing and the gentle breeze is caressing her hair and skirt. This is a perfect moment. I feel like someone special with her, like someone worthy and good. We reach the car and Taylor stands aside to allow me to help Ana as she steps up into the dark leather interior. I walk around and enter the other door, retrieving her hand from the seat, connecting us again. I'm worried about ruining the moment but I think I should tell her about my ticket before we arrive at the venue. "Anastasia, I hope you don't mind but I organised a ticket so I could attend your graduation today" I say. She smiles back at me tenderly with a hint of sad emotion playing on her lips. "Thank you Christian, that is so kind and thoughtful" she takes a shallow breath before continuing, "I didn't expect to be able to share this with anyone, and I'm pleased I can share it with you".

Ana

Sitting so close to Christian in the car, holding hands as we are I'm momentarily puzzled. Just a few weeks ago I was alone in this world and I had allowed myself to be that way. Now this man has brought me out of the isolated cavern and bathed me in light... in love? Up till now I've been passive, a frightened bird, but I'm strong, a survivor. For everything Christian has done in these past few weeks I owe him the best of me. So when he tells me, with a faint frown, about the tickets he has acquired for my graduation I reply gently and express my gratitude. This marvel beside me makes me feel capable of more; his strong hand gently holding mine, the deep gaze and the scent of him, undeniable masculine, intoxicating. As the car pulls up at the graduation venue Christian relinquishes my hand and exits the car to open my door.

Christian

I don't think I've ever had an afternoon quite like this one. The emotion I felt as Anastasia went to collect her certificate was unfamiliar but not unpleasant. Could it be pride or something deeper? Even in that gown and cap she looks adorable. I see a number of admiring eyes from my VIP seat at the front but I warn them off with a frosty stare. When the ceremony ends we are reunited and I take the opportunity to congratulate her with a gentle kiss on her cheeky, softly supporting her face with my hand. Although she seems slightly surprised she doesn't pull away and I get to feel her and inhale her scent just as I'd hoped. My heart stutters and I'm aware of emotions I never knew existed, and in that moment I know I will do anything to share this with her.

As we leave she seems comfortable and contented and I wonder how best to celebrate her achievement and our budding relationship. I decide to propose dinner as we walk in the direction of Taylor and the car, "Anastasia, I hope you'll let me take you out to celebrate, dinner perhaps?" She begins to smile then she frowns and bites her lip as if she is thinking. Even distracted I find her exquisite. Concern overtakes me and I come to a stop, turn to her and ask, "Ana, what is it?" "Christian, I have to work this afternoon, I told Stacey I would finish the day" she responds. Internally I breathe a sign of relief and offer a silent prayer for the successes that have resulted in me being the boss. I consider pointing this fact out to her but I can tell she is the kind of person who would not be comfortable with using my position to her advantage. We start to walk again and I say, "Well I'll pick you up after work. What time will you be finished?" She looks at me and her eyes hold a little wonder, then she says apprehensively, "I probably need to work on a little, would six thirty be ok?" "Perfect", I reply. "I'll meet you in the lobby just as earlier". As we reach the car Taylor opens the door and I help Ana in. I take a moment to speak with Taylor as we both move to our respective doors. I want this day to be special, I know in my heart she deserves it and maybe if I do this right I can be worthy of her after all.

Ana

The graduation ceremony seems to fly by; faces and bodies a blur. The only thing I see clearly is Christian. He has gone from non entity, to centre of my world in how many days? I can't be concerned because I believe in him somehow. As he walks around the car I see him speak to Taylor, perhaps organising dinner for later. Then he's back with me and we pass the journey back to the office in hushed intimate conversation. I leave him in the elevator knowing that my smile, mirrored by his, amuses or possible confuses the work colleagues I pass. As I approach my desk I see and smell the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen. They are a subtle shade of pale pink with an antique feel to them and they have created quite a stir. I sit down in my chair and hastily retrieve the card, depositing it in my drawer until the well wishers depart. Genuinely I'm moved at the fuss Toby and Clare make of me, the flowers and the remembered sight of Christian Grey in the lobby. I fill them in quickly as much as I can but then hurry back to work. I know Christian will be waiting on me at six thirty and I don't plan to keep him waiting. However, after a few minutes I can wait no longer so I retrieve the card from my drawer. It's hand written and displays bold, confident penmanship. The message reads: _Congratulations Anastasia, you deserve the world and all its riches. Christian._


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Ana

We are seated at our table in the restaurant. Our private table. From the window we look out over the lights of the city. It's romantic and intimate, surrounded by candlelight. We fall into an easy pattern of conversation. I get the faint impression that Christian isn't used to this kind of small talk and neither am I. We are novice but strangely comfortable conversationalist. The waiter brings champagne to our table and Christian proposes a toast to me and to us. I blush slightly but hear the words with pleasure. Everything about the night is perfect; the food looks delicious, tastes sublime and the gentle light from the candles makes the perfect mellow atmosphere.

Christian

As the meal draws to a close I decide to ask Anastasia to meet my family this weekend. I know Mia won't be satisfied until they have met and I'd like my mother to know how happy I am. So I say, "Ana, I was wondering if you would be free for lunch on Sunday. I'd like it if you met my family and I know they would like the opportunity to get to know you." Ana looks down briefly, and then gazes at me through her eyelashes. "Christian, I'm overwhelmed." She pauses a moment before continuing, "You've been so patient and kind to me, and I thank you for that. I'd love to meet your family". We smile at each other, enjoying the moment. I wonder how I went from distant dominant to wooing this beautiful woman in the space of a few weeks. There are moments when it feels like an outer body experience but the truth is I'm happy to be in this body and having these new and wondrous experiences.

Ana and I make our way back to Taylor and the waiting car. Perhaps if she hadn't had such a long day I would suggest a night cap because I'm not quite ready to let her go. However, I know she was up early and I guess she probably isn't used to the wine and champagne. When I ask her where she lives I am horrified by her response. How can she live in such a rundown area of town? Without doubt her salary is more generous than that. When the car pulls in I ask Taylor to wait and say, "Anastasia, I would like to walk you to your door, ensure you get home safely." She nods slightly in response and I follow her into what I'll kindly describe as an antiquated building. As we walk up several flights of stairs my anxiety for her increases. How can I get her out of here without overwhelming her with my natural desire for control? How can I get her out of here without treating her like one of my submissive? Ana stops to unlock a door near the end of the corridor. She seems timid and quiet again, maybe wondering what happens next. "Anastasia, I thought we could have lunch together tomorrow, in my office again unless you would like to go out" I say. "I'd like that" she blushes. Slowly and tenderly I take her hand, I lift it and turning it slightly I rest the back of her hand against my chest. My fear of touch hasn't vanished but I can't bear the idea that I won't see her for hours and I want to remember how she feels.

Ana

I knew Christian would want to see me home, but I wondered what he would think of where I live and what would come next. I've never brought anyone here, not once in Seattle or any of the other places I've lived. He takes my hand and somehow I know he won't push me beyond what I'm capable of, right here, right now. Still holding my hand he leans down, his lips find mine as his body presses mine lightly against the door. The kiss is tender but deeply passionate and as it finishes I feel light headed. Christian watches me as I unlock the door and then bids me goodnight as I walk into my small apartment.

I remember that kiss all morning on Friday. The look in his eyes, the touch of his lips and every moment from yesterday would be enough for me to survive on for months. Then I smile because I know we will be having lunch together today. I'm not sure what time to go to his office and as the morning passes I consider emailing him or perhaps calling upstairs. Would they put me through to him or could I leave a message for him to call me back? I'm anxiously considering this a few minutes before one when Christian strolls up to my desk. It's like the first day we had lunch together but this time everyone in the office knows that Christian Grey and I are... Well, they know something is different.

Christian

I couldn't resist going to her desk on Friday to collect her for lunch. I want everyone to know that she and I are involved. I want them to see and acknowledge what an amazing person she is. Beautiful and kind. Strong and understanding.

On Sunday I'm driving us to my parents' house, holding her hand and trying to prepare her for Mia and Elliot's predictable reception. As I pull the car up my father opens the door. He stands on the threshold watching us as I make my way round to open Ana's door. I take her hand and give it an encouraging and I hope reassuring squeeze. My mother appears as we approach the door and they both greet us warmly, but as we walk into the hallway Mia and Elliot pounce. I slip my arm around Ana's waist so she knows I'm there for her as Mia hugs her and begins her onslaught of questions. When Elliot moves in I need to take a step back but I keep a hand on the small of her back so she feels me, so I can feel her. Over the course of the lunch she endures it all with a smile. She giggles at Elliot's sporadic reference to her being my first girlfriend, the sound is a joy. I need to explain a little of my past to her, the impression she is getting is a little disingenuous and I need her to know me, everything about me.

Ana

Lunch has been the most enjoyable experience. I can't deny that their reception was intense but I knew Christian was there and I enjoyed meeting everyone. It felt like a real family reunion and for me having spent so long alone, hardly remembering the joy a family can bring, it was emotional. After dinner Christian offers to show me the grounds and we walk hand in hand down to the bottom of the garden. Slowly and quietly he begins to explain about his adoption, about Grace and Carrick and how their family was drawn together. I'm touched and I take a few moments in the fresh air to process everything he has said. I'm beginning to realise why we came to understand each other so quickly. I wonder if Christian could understand where I've come from, could he hear it without it changing or damaging our relationship?

As I stand with him, mulling this over his phone begins to ring. At first he makes no move to answer it but I briefly smile at him and he reaches into his pocket to retrieve it. "Grey" he says, all the while looking at me. Then the world seems to tilt, his posture and expression quickly change. Gone is the easy, affectionate man who was there moments before, in his place is an intimidating, dark and angry soul. I can't help it but I take a small, almost imperceptible, step back. When he hangs up the phone I'm not sure what is about to happen but I decide to ask him, "Is everything ok" I mumble. Christian turns his head to the left, then looks at me again, "Ana, there has been a possible intrusion at Escala, will you come back to the city with me?" I feel a momentary relief, I'm not certain what or where Escala is but I'll go with him if he wants me. "Yes, Christian. Yes of course" I respond.

We depart hastily from Christian's parents' home, briefly exchanging words with them and making casual arrangements to see them in the week. On the drive back Christian is tense and pensive. I'm not afraid of him but this mood change, however understandable, has made me apprehensive. I don't want to make things worse or provoke a negative response. He holds my hand and gently caresses my knuckles with his thumbs as we travel in the elevator up to his apartment. This is Escala, his home.

When the door opens Taylor seems momentarily surprised to see me and his eyes quickly dart to our hands before sweeping back to Christian's dark expression. Christian addresses me as he leads me through the apartment, "Ana, can I pour you a glass of wine? I'd like to speak with Taylor for a few moments". "Of course" I respond immediately. Christian pours two glasses, leaving one on the counter and bringing one to me. He guides me to a sofa in the large living area, briefly kisses me on the cheek and follows Taylor into a nearby room. I sit and settle on my seat, taking a sip of wine. From the next room I hear Christians raised voice and my anxiety increases. I have never heard him raise his voice before and although the sound is muffled I feel my heartbeat increase. I try to remain calm but I know I'm now sitting rigid in my seat. When I hear his voice again I stand and turn to face the door, just as it opens. Christian's eyes are ablaze as he makes his way towards me. It takes all my will and courage but I don't step back, I don't retreat from him this time. When his eyes meet mine I see the burning intensity and I can't help it but I gasp.


	8. Chapter 8

Thank you for all the feedback and extremely kind and supportive messages. I'm trying to incorporate the points you mentioned; using these to tell my own story. Sorry if you are confused about Ana's past. I tried to illuminate this a little in each chapter and then give an outline in chapter 5. But I don't think she is ready to share it all with anyone yet...

Chapter 8

Christian

I'm furious that someone has entered my home without my consent. I grill Taylor about the circumstances and I am enraged that he doesn't know more. They are almost certain of the breach but not the who, the why or the when. Anastasia is in the other room and I feel she deserves some sort of explanation about our swift departure from my parents' house. I stride to the door, open it and see her standing across the room. I make my way towards her, not yet conscious of the signals her body is sending. Only when I'm eye to eye with her and the air escapes her lungs do I realise my mistake.

I take a step back, "Anastasia" I say gently. "Forgive me". She looks aghast but in mere seconds she collects herself. Her voice is hushed but she responds, "Christian, I ... I'm in the way. I really should get home. Goodnight." Carefully she turns but I gently touch her elbow and she freezes. "Anastasia, I didn't intend to startle you." I wait before continuing, "It appears that someone may have entered my home. I need to know more, to know you are safe but I would also like to spend time with you. Stay, please." She is still; this could be make or break, fight or flight. In an effort to give her space I walk to the counter and retrieve my wine glass, when I come back I lift hers and offer it to her. Hesitantly she takes it and she turns to look at me. I look at her and try to communicate the feelings I have for her. But how can I quantify these emotions in a look? As I gaze into her eyes I realise the only way I can describe this is love. I am in love with this delicate, beautiful and fascinating creature. Without thinking I step towards her. With my free hand I slowly lift and cup her face before kissing her. She takes a moment to respond but then we share the most delicate kiss. Anastasia takes a slow shuddery breath and I rest my forehead on hers.

Ana

When Christian came out of the room and I saw the raw emotion in his eyes I flashed back to the years following my mother's death. I recognise the devastating power that is contained in such unrestrained emotions. I'm torn; Christian isn't Stephen Morton and I'm not a helpless adolescent anymore but I also can't live with the uncertainty of such severe mood swings. My brain freezes and I can't move, can't function. Then Christian seems to sense my acute unease and stops me. Stops me from thinking, stops me from leaving. He speaks softly to me and for a moment allows me a little space. When he returns he offers me my wine glass and before I know what's happening his lips are on mine. I take a second but then I return his kiss, I need it. He leads me again to the sofa and we sit in silence, looking at each other. His eyes are alight, but not with the ferocious anger of before. Now they are bright and full of a painful yearning. I realise Christian may need me as much as I need him. My past has haunted me, and in many ways I've allowed it. Perhaps if I explain to him the anger within my step father and his resulting rage which was often visited upon me, Christian can understand why his fury made me nervous. Suddenly I'm exhausted by these weeks of change. Our quick but joyful meeting and all the events since, begin to take their toll. My eyelids are heavy and I long for my own home and my own bed.

Christian

We sit in silence looking at each other. I am relieved that Anastasia didn't leave. I want her and need her. The silence continues and it's comforting; I don't know how I ever did without it, without her. Suddenly she seems weary, weighed down by everything that has occurred in these last days. As carefully as I can I stand and lift her in my arms. She watches me and I watch her as I carry her up to my bedroom. As I put Anastasia on my bed I gaze at her, then I say, "Ana, I'll leave you here while I speak with Taylor. Is there is anything you need before I go? I will be right downstairs." She smiles softly at me. "Maybe I should take my shoes off" she says. I help her with her shoes and as she is sitting up I decide to remove the light jacket she is wearing. My hands run over the end of her collar bones as I push the clothing off her body. Her skin is soft and warm and I almost close my eyes. Then as my right hand curves over her left shoulder I feel the unmistakable ridge created by a scar. I know what angry, damaged tissue feels like and as I feel it on her skin our eyes meet again. Anastasia looks at me but doesn't speak. I remain silent and return her look. These horrors I had suspected; the rumours from her file are evidenced on her body. I am consumed with hate for whoever did this to her but more consumed with tender love. Before I leave the room I gently kiss her on the forehead and quietly make my way out.

Ana

Somehow despite all that has occurred I close my eyes and sleep. When I awaken I know that only a short amount of time has elapsed. The light in the room remains the same and Christian has not returned. I rise from the bed and quickly retrieve my shoes. I suddenly need to see him and explain everything. I make my way downstairs thinking to return to the living area we sat in earlier. However, I'm sleepy, in unfamiliar surroundings and because I wasn't paying attention those few moments ago, I've lost my bearings. In front of me there are a number of closed doors. Did we come through one of these earlier? Apprehensively I turn the handle of the first door and look inside. There isn't a light on but from the light in the hallway I see that this is a small utility closet or linen room. I close the door and head over to the next.

This time as I open the door I am greeted by the heavy smell of wood and wax and something musky, maybe leather. There is a soft light on in this room and as I open the door further it all comes into focus. Along the wall I see whips and canes and all manor or foreign instruments. Above me hang chains and leather restraints and in the middle of the room next to a table covered in deep red leather there is a woman. She has dark hair, a similar shade to mine and she is naked. Who is she and what does Christian want with her; do to her? Suddenly the smell and colours of the room are toxic and overpowering. I want to help this girl but she hasn't moved, hasn't lifted her head and I'm already wide eyed, already gasping for air. I need to get out of this torture chamber, this apartment and as far away from Christian Grey as I can.

As I reach the hallway I don't stop to close the doors. Panic is taking over and I'm not sure how to remain in control. I walk hastily across the hallway as Christian appears in front of me. His expression is gentle and then as he notices the open door behind me it shifts to puzzled. "Anastasia my love, I can explain" he begins but his words are interrupted by a feral scream that emits from the room behind us. I quickly stand aside as Christian, swiftly followed by Taylor, rushes into the room. This is my opening, my means of escape. I leave in the direction Christian came from and recognise the room from earlier. I grab the small bag I brought with me and making my way to the elevator I punch the call button. As the door slides closed I realise I'm leaving Christian Grey, as well as departing this life that I'd built for myself.


	9. Chapter 9

Thank you for the comments so far. Y

Chapter 9

Christian

Darkness. Despair. Days, weeks and months of this aching emptiness. I sit unmoving at my desk in my office at GEH looking out over Seattle. I haven't done anything all day, all week, but look out of this window. On the surface nothing has changed. I've been coming to work, I've been eating and I've been working out. But really everything is altered. I look back to that fateful Sunday night, angry at myself for what I allowed to happen when really I could never have foreseen it. Hindsight is making me question myself and driving me mad.

When I heard that god awful sound from the play room I left Anastasia to investigate, my only thought was protecting her. I found the intruder, Leila, naked and adopting the submissive position. She screamed as a result of what I said to Ana. Leila knew just by my tone how I felt. In those few words she heard the love and affection she had always hoped for. It took Taylor and I some time to restrain her. At first she lashed out at us, and then she tried to injure herself. I contacted Flynn and he made his way to my apartment to offer what help he could. Later I would learn of the death of her lover, the turmoil in her life that sent her back to me. But really I heard nothing of it because as I returned to the great room I found it empty, my bedroom was empty, my life was empty. Anastasia is gone.

Ana

The grey foreboding sky that darkens the world tonight suits my mood. I'm on the beach, far from alone but really I'm a lifetime away from everything. There were times in my life when I thought the physical and mental abuse I suffered at the hands of my step father would end me. I bitterly laugh now. How little I knew. Loving someone, then having the dream snatched away is the worst I've had to endure and I'm not certain I've survived.

From my seat in the sand I don't see the horizon, I don't see the sky, I don't see the sea. Looking back I did the only thing I knew how to do. I ran. I didn't go back to my apartment, he'd find me there. Instead I took what I had, fled to the bus station and bought a ticket on the first bus out of town. It sounds like a cliché but it worked in the past and it served me well again. At the first distant town I stayed overnight. Using the little money I had to cover a cheap hotel room. In the morning I visited the bank and took all the money from my account before boarding another bus. I leave my past there and right there is where my trail stops too. Having the means to move on when needed is the reason I've lived so frugally. The first few days are hazy, a dream, a nightmare.

I slowly, lethargically make my way back up the beach and head up to my room. I'm working off book, without a paper trail. The physicality of my work, cleaning rooms in this coastal inn, has detached me from my emotions. Only in my spare time, in the night, do I feel the desolation. There is a cavity where once I had a heart. And yet I move on. Looking back to those few blissful weeks I remember Christian's kindness, his smile, those brilliant eyes and his intoxicating scent. I try to forget what I saw in that room in his apartment. I can't make sense of it. I can't reconcile the gentle, nurturing soul Christian showed me with the depravity and cruelty that such a room portrays. Who is he?

Christian

I have exhausted my resources and I'm no further forward in my search for Anastasia. Welch located her on CCTV at the bus station and we know she left Seattle within 30 minutes of the incident in the red room. He has followed her to a town about 60 miles south of Seattle.

The following morning she went to a branch of her bank and withdrew everything she had. Through the video Welch has acquired I've watched over and over as she walks to the counter and converses with the teller. This is where my search ends. The money she withdraws, though not significant, will support her for the time being. Eventually I hope she will have to seek employment and then I will be able to track her down. I'm impatient for this yet I know she's hiding just as she's done before.

I have private detectives working on the search for her. The money Anastasia has isn't limitless. If she's chosen to travel a great distance then her funds will be dwindling. Something tells me she closer, maybe still in the state. She could be 3 minutes walk or a million miles away, the effect is the same.

In the days following her departure Taylor gained entry to her abandoned apartment. I painful walked between the small rooms, touching her belongings, the things she chose for herself but so readily discarded. On a hanger is the red dress that she wore to her graduation. The sight of it crushes me. Her absence is like a death and I am immersed in grief.

I see Dr Flynn daily now. He knows everything about what happened. He knows I watch her on that bank video again and again and again. I feel a frantic desperation, something I've never experienced before. My family, on learning of Ana's departure, try to support me. My mother is nurturing and kind, they all do what they can but there is no living with me. There are no words of comfort that can ease this turmoil. If I find her, if she gives me the opportunity to explain, then perhaps there is a life to be lived again.

Ana

And so my days continue. The world is revolving, my deep hidden agony is evolving but I see no end this time. I had years of degradation, years of suffering only to escape to a distant neutral existence. Then came a glimpse of a life full of wonder; a life waiting to be lived. The memory of the time we spent together haunts me. I awake from vivid dreams when he speaks to me of his past, our future. Some evenings, exhaustion takes over and he is a fantasy soothing me as I lie awake into the early hours. And maybe it's those hours of torturous consciousness but I start to think about seeing him, hearing his voice and letting him explain what I can't understand. The idea of him finding me is half terror and half ecstasy but I'm already living a broken life.

Over the next few weeks I think of returning to Seattle. The lease on my apartment, which I'd paid in advance, will be lapsing soon. Despite the ID I carried in my purse there are documents I could use when I decide to begin legitimate employment again. Really none of them are essential and with a little effort they could be replaced, so I wonder why I'm considering this. I tell myself I could use some extra clothes and it would be nice to have a few familiar objects around me but it's him. Christian is my magnetic north, pulling me in his direction whether that's where I want to go or not.

And so this plan which I allowed to grow from a seed of despair starts to take root. I'll stay in Seattle for a few days. Enough time to watch my apartment to make sure there is no one around and enough time to watch for Christian Grey. I feel the danger of this plan, I've never returned to anywhere before, I've never wanted to.

Christian

Nothing! Weeks and week and they have nothing. Welch has nothing and the PI's I've thrown money at have nothing. They must dread the regular updates I demand because of my barely contained anger. "GET OUT", I roar when the synopsis of their recent reports indicate no sight or trace of her. I pace around the office, frustrated to the point of madness. This cannot go on. I lean on the window, frantically searching the sky line for an answer. Where is she?

Ana

As the bus makes its way through downtown Seattle just a few streets away from Grey House I feel excitement, when I know I should at least feel caution. Against my better judgment I decide to get off. Even in my head this sounds seriously stalkerish but I admit I've timed my arrival in town to match the time Christian will leave work. I enter a coffee shop that allows a glimpse of Grey House and a view of the route he normally takes. When I've ordered my tea and a muffin I position my window seat a little back from the shelf. I pray that the subdued lighting in here will stop me being easily seen from outside.

Christian

I've stalked around this office like a caged animal since the PI's and Welch left. I don't know why but to keep up the pretence I've continued to arrive at my regular time, and although I get nothing done I wait till the end of the day before I leave. I lift my suit jacket, slipping it on as I head out the door towards the elevator. "Good night Mr Grey", Olivia tentatively calls but I continue on without looking at her, at anyone. In the garage my car is waiting. Poor Taylor is abandoned at Escala because I can't suffer anyone around me. I drive through the parking area, faster than I should and when I get the opportunity I merge into the slow moving traffic and make my way home.

Ana

I don't have to wait too long before I see Christians car emerge from the underground parking. I'm a little surprised as I expected Taylor and the SUV but his own car provides a better view of him. As the traffic edges its way towards the lights he moves into the flow and I get to see him. Before I realise what I'm doing I'm standing, leaning towards the window, straining for a closer look. The sight of him takes my breath away and breaks my heart all at once. Christian looks the same. His dark brooding looks haven't changed at all, yet I know I'm paler and thinner that those few months ago. As the lights change and the traffic starts to move I watch the slight movements he makes as he drives his car. The sight of him is like a life saving drug, like an antidote to these months of misery. But like most drugs it has its dangers and I'm already feeling the withdrawal, already seeking my next fix.


	10. Chapter 10

Thanks again for the comments so far. I really appreciate all of them. I've tried to explain her past without spelling it out. I don't think a simple telling would fit with the story and I'm sorry if this has been frustrating or unclear. Needless to say she's had a traumatic time and this is greatly influencing the decisions she makes. Perhaps it would be easy for someone else to return to Christian but not the Ana that I've been writing. I said at the beginning of chapter one that I suspected this wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea and that this is the story I would like to read. Having said all that, my story is reaching its conclusion (maybe a chapter or two left)... I hope you are not disappointed with how it ends.

Chapter 10

Ana

By the time I've begun to recover from the sight of him my tea is cold. I sit there with his face etched in my memory. Without thinking my fingers touch my lips and I remember how kissing him felt, the heat and desire of his lips on mine. I cannot possibly return to the suffering and debasement of the past but those seem to be the only choices. Without him life is anguish and despair but I know from _that_ _room_ that he has the capacity to inflict pain and distress too.

I leave the cold tea and untouched muffin behind and make my way to the budget hotel I've planned to stay in. I'd like to shower and change before I decide how to go about returning to my apartment.

Christian

Two blocks from Grey House I decide not to head straight home. Instead I make my way to Ana's apartment. Since the first day Taylor organised access I've been coming here, sometimes multiple times a day. Flynn says that returning here isn't serving a purpose. It won't bring her back and its holding me in the past he says. I don't listen. When he pushes me on it I like to remind him that he encouraged me to engage Ana. Then with my voice thick with sarcasm I ask him to remember how well that worked out. Really I know he isn't to blame. I couldn't stay away from her and if I'd only been honest up front, shared with her every detail of my life then maybe I wouldn't be in this situation.

Sitting here in her tiny apartment is as close to her as I get. There isn't an object in here that I haven't touched, haven't held and examined for a clue as to where she went. I come here mostly because I just don't know what else to do. I'd sleep here, if I could sleep and if I thought the neighbours wouldn't call the police before my screams finally wake me from my nightmares. As I stand at the door I look at this apartment, these rooms that she spent hours scrubbing, cleaning, making liveable for herself. Then I leave to confess to Flynn that I can't follow his advice, that I'm as lost now as the night she left.

Ana

Since seeing Christian today I don't feel quite so apprehensive about returning to my apartment. Surely if he was affected by my leaving there would be some sign, some tell? His life, his face, his routine all appear the same but still I don't wait to my regular stop to get off the bus. I circle around my block and cautiously approach, all the while searching the street for anything untoward. My senses feel heightened, every sound ringing in my ears as I listen for a warning. Finally I reach my building and quickly enter. Inside all looks the same but I'm still careful to close the door behind me, slow to mount the stairs.

Inside my apartment all is as it was. It is strangely surreal how nothing has altered. Now I'm here I hardly want to leave and I'm not sure what to leave behind. I begin by taking the documents I'd used as my excuse to return, and then I look around wondering where to begin. In the kitchen I find a few empty bags that I stored months ago. I take these to my bedroom and select a few of my favourite clothes, books that I enjoyed and items I had collected. Before I know it the bags are full and I'm nowhere near done. After a moment's thought I decide a suitcase would be more appropriate, after all I'll have to get all of this back on the bus. It's too late tonight to go shopping for luggage so I take what I have and lock up behind me with a plan to return tomorrow.

In the hotel room I'm staying in I keep looking at the items I've retrieved. It feels like I've rescued them from the past. Unsurprisingly I enjoy the familiarity of these objects. I have always resented change and now looking at these items, feeling the connection to my past, I wonder about my choices. Escape always felt like a necessity. Without doubt the first time it was. I'd been beaten and mentally broken before I finally took the first decision to leave. The scars on my body, one of which Christian felt that night in his apartment, used to be the evidence that I'd done the right thing. Now I wonder what drove me on.

As the evening begins to usher in the night I decide to repeat my pattern from today. First I'll watch Christian, this time as he makes his way to work, and then I'll return to my apartment to collect a final few possessions.

Christian

Flynn didn't say anything as I told him about my trip to Anastasia's apartment but somehow his reaction was more infuriating than anything previous. When I leave I go directly home and sit working in my office till the early hours. Earlier Gail softly knocked and came in with a tray of food for me. She has ensured that over these last months I've not faded away but really what is left of me? When I sleep I dream of her but each time it ends with her leaving and I wake terrorised, wrapped in sheets that are drenched in my sweat.

Ana

I watch him again from my seat in the coffee shop. This time I arrived much earlier, afraid that someone stopping for coffee on their way to work would recognise me. I pick an isolated spot in the corner, positioning my seat so I can't be seen from the counter. My view isn't as good as yesterday but I can't risk someone in the store approaching me as I'm distracted, watching for him out of the window. Sometime later I spot his car making quick progress along the street. The traffic is lighter than last night so his car moves swiftly then disappears into the underground parking area. The glimpse of him I caught was intolerably short, painfully so, but there is nothing I can do. I'm still for a moment then I rise from my seat and make my way back onto the street.

At a store close to my hotel I purchase a suitcase and take it back to my room. I could take this with me to my apartment but I worry about it drawing attention, slowing me down. When the things I gathered yesterday are packed I take the suitcase back to the bus station and leave it in a locker. I'll collect it later when I return with my final bits.

Christian

The morning is intolerable. Roz has asked me to attend a meeting in the conference room. I've tried to insist that she can handle this deal alone but she claims the prospective partners are nervous because of the distance I've kept. I sit through the meeting vaguely listening to the details of the project she has initiated and overseen. As soon as I can justify it I excuse myself, throwing an apologetic glance towards Roz, and head back to my office. I can't wait till after work so I lift my jacket before heading for Anastasia's apartment again.

Due to the easy commute from the area her apartment is in parking can be a challenge at this time of day. I impatiently circle the block a few times before finding a space another street away. Inside I sit in the tiny living area, trying to empty my mind, hoping for a few minutes of relative peace. But to no avail, there is no escape. I finally rise from the seat and begin my ritual of searching. Just as usual this room reveals nothing but as soon as I enter the bedroom I realise some things have changed. On the small table at the side of her bed the old copy of Persuasion she was reading is gone. I quickly scan the room and notice other small differences. In an instant I reach for my phone to call Taylor, to get him here and together we can decide if it's a break in, if it's her. But I don't have it. In my haste to leave the office I've left it in my desk. I need everyone on this; I need Welch to start searching for her in Seattle again but to do that I'll need to leave. I lock the door behind me and rush down the hall and out into the street.

Ana

Today I decide to get off the bus one stop earlier. I may be more comfortable but I'm still careful. I begin to walk this familiar path maybe for the last time. As I turn the corner I'm distracted by thoughts of what to take, when the bus leaves, the journey back and so at first I don't notice Christian as he races out of my apartment building and I continue to make my way towards him. Then as he comes into focus I freeze. By the look on his face he has already seen me. His look is surprise, astonishment and I can't deny it but there is also relief in there, maybe joy. He takes a step towards me and still there is nothing I can do but watch.

What have I done? Here I am confronted by the love of my life but he also represents my past and everything that I'm afraid of. He may not have abused me, may not have shouted and beaten and crushed me but the memory of that naked woman, the canes, the whips and the dark unfamiliar interior of _that room_ is a sign I cannot ignore. I step backwards seeking my retreat. "Anastasia, Anastasia please", he calls. He's still moving towards me but he has his hands up and he has slowed his advance. There is only a short distance between us now but just then I see a taxi and stepping onto the road I flag it down.

Christian

I can't believe it. If it wasn't for the look of shock on her face I might believe that this is a dream. I don't want to startle her further but how can I not go to her? As I close the distance between us I call to her, I hold up my hands and slow my pace, it's all I can think to do. Anastasia is moving and as the gap closes she steps onto the road and lifts her hand to signal a passing taxi. When I reach her she is reaching for the handle. "Anastasia please wait. I only want to talk, please" I beg, my voice full of anguish, full of love. Her head sweeps round and she looks me in the eye. "Christian I can't" she says through tears. I reach out and touch her hand where it rests of the top of the door and for a moment she is still. "I can't" she whispers. Slowly she begins to move and before I know where I am I'm watching as the taxi leaves.

Ana

_Oh God, Oh God_ I weep. When I can I direct the taxi driver to the bus station and then sit silently moaning from the pain and grief I feel. Why did I come back here? _Oh God_.

I remember the look on his face, the surprise of seeing me replaced by the emotion I saw when he said my name, when he asked me to stay and when I left him. _Someone please help me, please, please. _

I exit the taxi and go to retrieve the case. There is nothing to add to that but somehow I've added to the misery and sadness I already feel. I stumble but somehow don't fall. I need to get out of here, get away. Without thought I make my way to the ticket counter, purchasing a seat of the first bus south. I don't have much time so I rush to the departure zone, wiping away the tears that haven't stopped falling. Over and over I think his name. Murmuring it like a prayer. _Christian. Christian. Christian._

And as the bus departs he is my only thought.


	11. Chapter 11

Almost there ... 3

Chapter 11

Christian

I'm can scarcely believe what just happened. When I touched her hand I felt the same pull, the same attraction I felt the first time we touched. I wanted to keep her with me; to restrain her, to stop her from leaving me again. Stopping her leaving was all I wanted to do until I saw the look on her face. The fear in her eyes made my heart constrict. Only a monster would have done anything then but let her go.

I hurriedly make my way back to the car and then I push the Audi to its limits on these small suburban streets, weaving in and out of the lunchtime traffic. I skid to a halt at Grey House and race to the elevator. On the way passed reception I scream for Andrea to get me Welch and then I grab my phone from my desk drawer to fill Taylor in. Within minutes they will begin the process of tracking Anastasia down and then slowly I'll approach her, explain who I am and pray she accepts what I have to offer.

An agonising half hour later Taylor, Welch and the private investigators are with me in my office. I'm barking orders at them. "Check hotels close to her apartment. Get me footage from the local bus depots from the last three days", I snap. Every one of them has their head down, following my instruction. They know the importance I place on this and none of them wants to appear to back off, to let me down or to risk my wrath.

Ana

As the bus starts to navigate the city streets on the way to the highway I stand in the departure zone wondering why I couldn't get on. My mind tells me leaving is the right thing to do. Haven't I suffered enough? But my heart, my soul and every fibre of my being wants to go back to him. The idea of a lifetime without him is a torture I don't deserve. I find an empty seat in the busy concourse and think about what I'm doing, about what I've done.

How much time passes I don't know but eventually I decide to stop thinking. When I let the bus pull out without me there was an inevitability about my actions and no amount of thought can alter my path now. I return my case to its locker and make my way to Grey House, to Grey Enterprise Holdings; a building I haven't stepped foot in in months.

As I enter the marble lobby I retrieve my pass from my bag. I could claim that it was habit, but really I've kept it with the rest of my ID for sentimental reasons, as a link to him. When I enter the elevator, the site of our first encounter and I relax, remembering how gentle and patient Christian was as he slowly built my trust and our dawning relationship.

I exit at the management floor and Olivia is behind the reception desk as always. The surprise of seeing me registers on her face and I address her before she has a chance to issue her usual standard welcome. "Olivia, I was wondering if Mr Grey is available, I would appreciate the opportunity to speak with him" I say. After a beat she responds in her usual professional tone, "If you would take a seat I'll check if Mr Grey is available Miss Steele." I can't sit; I'm too nervous and anxious now to see Christian. I hear her as she presses the intercom button and waits for a response. "Grey", Christian almost shouts through the intercom. Olivia seems startled but she takes a gulp of air and responds, "Mr Grey, Miss Anastasia Steele is here and wishes to speak with you". I wait for a response but instead along the corridor I hear Christian's office door burst open and I see him as he rounds the corner, quickly closing the distance between us.

Christian

I'm trying to let them work, realising my presence is more of a hindrance than a help. Taylor is watching me out of the corner of his eye, he probably knows more than the others what the fall out will be if our search turns up nothing again. I go to the other side of the room; desperate, thinking, I run both hands through my hair and try to breathe. This is all moving a lot slower than I imagined. We all know how quickly Anastasia left Seattle last time and already she could be away to God knows where.

My anxiety is reaching fever pitch when the intercom sounds, breaking my train of thought. I walk to my desk and stab the respond button. "Grey" I snarl back. "Mr Grey", I hear Olivia say, "Miss Anastasia Steele is here and wishes to speak with you". I don't think, I just move. Even before Taylor, Welch and the others have a chance to lift their heads I'm at the door, almost removing it from it hinges, and rounding the corner. And there she is. Standing by the reception desk as if these months of pain have been nothing but a fleeting delusion. In seconds I'm right in front of her, standing as close to her as I can without touching her.

Ana

Christian comes to stand close to me but doesn't make contact. Those grey eyes have me fixed and I don't want to move from this spot ever. I can smell that familiar heavenly musky scent that is Christian Grey. I can feel the heat that radiates from every part of his strong, powerful body. I can't help it but the close proximity of him, the comfort from his presence, his heat and scent resonate deep inside me. I feel the faintest smile begin to emerge as I wait to see what he does.

Christian

I gaze at her and my first thought is not to overwhelm her but as we share this sudden reconnection I see in her eyes that she's as happy to see me as I am to see her. We are sharing a moment of intensity that I don't want to end and although Olivia has wisely disappeared I don't want an audience. I reach over and take her hand, the smile I saw playing on her lips a moment ago starts to spread and I can't help but smile in return. Gently I lead her to my office and find Taylor and the others have discreetly vacated the room. I close the door and I could weep with the relief and happiness I feel. I take her face in my hands and just stare at her. Then I kiss her as tenderly as I can and wrap her in my arms.

Ana

He is holding me and it is the most wonderful feeling; I am safe, protected and cherished. Christian doesn't let me go and I hold on to him with everything I have. I am so happy. Tears of regret slip from my eyes as I consider that I could have come to him straight away, there was no need for worry, no need for my self imposed exile. He has a story to tell me, perhaps a great amount of explaining to do but I love him and know in this moment that he loves me. When he finally releases me he takes me to the sofa and we sit together enjoying the moment. "Hi", he says wiping the tears from my eyes. "Hi", I whisper back.

Christian

Anastasia sits before me, her beautiful tear stained cheeks; her brilliant eyes, watching me, waiting and then I speak. She quietly responds and I'm jubilant, astounded that she is here; not running but with me. "Anastasia, can I get you anything?" She shakes her head in response. There are one million questions in my head and the flood gates feel like they might burst. We have to start this process some time so I begin to ask her where she has been and she starts to tell me. Over the course of a few hours we begin the conversation that will take us weeks, months or maybe a lifetime.

After several hours we decide to leave and together we make our way back to Escala. Anastasia tells me about the bag she left at the bus station and about her last minute decision to return. And so as Taylor goes to collect her bag, Mrs Jones arranges our meal. The continuing conversation between us is comforting and easy although I know there will be other, more difficult topics to cover.

Ana

We talk for hours and there is an openness from both of us that is refreshing and in some ways essential. I think we both need this if we are going to be able to trust each other. Christian listens, shares and smiles at me encouragingly when I begin to describe the shock and fear that drove me from his apartment that night. When Taylor returns with my case I think it may be time to leave, but truth be told I'm not sure I want to leave him even for a moment. We have spent too long apart now to be separated so soon.

All the same I decide to suggest this to Christian; it's been an exhausting day after all. "Christian, it's getting late. Maybe it's time I headed home. After all I have my case to unpack now", I say gently with a smile. Christian gazes around and then at me and I think he's deciding what he wants or thinking what to stay. "Anastasia, I don't want you to go. I won't push you but I'd rather you stayed here, close to me". I smile and feel a surprising amount of relief. Really I don't want to spend a second of my day away from him.

Christian

When I open my eyes Ana is still sleeping soundly beside me. I smile and watch her hoping I get to do this for some times. When we came to bed last night I was nervous, unsure if she would let me sleep beside her, if she'd feel comfortable enough to have me in the room. As she changed into my t-shirt and shorts and washed up in the en suite I quietly paced around wondering if I should leave before she emerged. When she walked back into the bedroom she blushed but came to stand with me. Wordlessly we got into bed and quickly drifted off in each others arms.


	12. Chapter 12

This is the final chapter of the very first story I have ever written. I want to say thank you for all the support & kind messages I've received. I really appreciate it!

And in the end ...

Chapter 12

Ana

As I open my eyes Christian is there gazing back at me. This morning his eyes are bright and warm, with maybe a hint of anticipation. "Morning", I say lightly through my smile. "Morning Anastasia, did you sleep well?" "Mmmm yes, you?" "Very well, peacefully I think you would call it" he responds. As I try to wake up and gather my thoughts Christians stands. "Would you like some tea?" he asks. "I would, thank you. I'd like to take a shower too, if I can." I say as I finally manage to sit up.

When I emerge from the shower Christian has brought my case to the room and on the night stand is my tea. Perfect. I rifle through the case and smile as I decide to wear the red dress from graduation. I briefly dry myself and get dressed. Sitting on the edge of the bed I take a moment to enjoy the tea, and then take it with me as I go to find Christian.

I find him at the breakfast bar; it seems Mrs Jones has prepared us something before retreating to give us some privacy. "You look beautiful" he says with a smile as I take the seat beside him. "I thought after breakfast I could begin to tell you about myself, I know you went easy on me yesterday, but I'd like to be as honest with you as possible" he says as he looks at me, that hint of anticipation back in his eyes. "Thank you" I say in return.

Christian

Anastasia looks wonderful as she breezes into the room. She blushes lightly at my complement and takes a seat beside me. I decide to broach the subject I know we must discuss and she thanks me in return.

I'm not used to sharing everything about myself, with the exception of my conversations with Dr Flynn; I've never had to prepare to answer questions about the life I led. And I say led because I know I'll never return to that. Not having seen Anastasia's reaction and everything that it meant to her, and now knowing everything she means to me.

After breakfast we sit quietly and I'm unsure how to begin. As if aware of my predicament she says, "Is the room still as it was that night?" I shake my head, "No, I had everything removed when you left" I say. "Then perhaps you can show me and explain it a little." She says as she stands and offers me her hand. At the entrance to the room I give her hand a small squeeze before opening the door.

Ana

When Christian opens the door the faint smell of wax and leather that I smelled that night drifts out. It has faded over time but still it invades my mind and the memory returns to me, stronger than before. Christian gazes at me and a slight frown crosses his face. I know he's worried and for both of our sakes I trying to remain calm, slow my breathing and rein in the anxiety. "It has changed", I managed to whisper as I gaze around the room, now empty of all its exotic accessories.

Christian looks at me, his expression dark, maybe a little guilty. "Anastasia, I lived a very different life before we met. It can be difficult to explain but I will try" he begins. Then he continues, "I don't know what experience you have but mine have been far from conventional." Although I try to retain a passive expression, when he mentions my experience I almost flinch. I pray it's been imperceptible but I've learned that not a lot gets past Christian Grey. Then as if he can read my mind he says, "Ana, I take it from your reaction that your experience is limited. Before I start to explain my sordid past maybe you could explain something of yours, so I understand your frame of reference." I am mortified and I know that despite my best effort I'm turning the same colour as my dress, this room. He waits, takes a deep breath then utters, "I see". Then he adds, "This may be even harder for you to understand, but please listen and know that I am not the same person I once was". Then he begins his story. Before we finish I know about his childhood, his demons and the vice he learned and used to exhibit control over his life and the lives of others.

Christian

When she fails to respond to me about her experience I can't believe it but know it must be true. I want to ask her about this but I know today is for my confessions, and any deviation would amount to a delaying tactic on my part. Anastasia's eyes are hesitant but she hears my story without judgement. It is cathartic and as times passes I settle into the story telling, although it doesn't actually get any easier.

As I reach the conclusion I smile, trying to make light of everything that has passed, everything I've said, all the while fearing she will run from me again. I'm pleased that I gave her a clear account although I know I revisited that notion of my lifestyle being consensual more times that was strictly necessary. To her credit she just stands there, then after a brief pause she says, "Christian, that's a lot to think about. For today could we leave it here?" "Of course" I say as I slowly approach her, take her hand and together we leave the room.

Over the course of the morning, with Anastasia's consent, I make arrangements for dinner at my parents. Ana is much thinner than before and I would probably feel some reassurance if my mother tells me she is ok. On the way I have to see Flynn and I feel it might be of benefit if Ana was to meet him, speak with him too. I suggest it and she seems mildly surprised but also a little interested.

Ana

Despite this morning's revelations I feel closer to Christian than ever. As much courage as it took for me to hear the things he had to say, I know it took him courage to speak it all aloud. So when Christian suggested seeing his doctor, his psychiatrist none the less, I go along with it. In the car he fills me in about Dr Flynn. Christian wants to prepare me for things now, maybe avoid any more unpleasant surprises. He respects Flynn he says, but he'd never let him know it.

As we walk into the pleasant, reassuring consultation room the doctor stands to greet us. Christian begins the introductions; he's comfortable here, used to the company and surroundings. "John Flynn I'd like you to meet Anastasia Steele" he says quiet yet confidently. "Doctor Flynn", I say, "pleased to meet you". He takes my hand and warmly smiles at me as he says, "Anastasia, it is wonderful to meet you at last. Christian has told me a lot about you and I hoped we'd get this chance to meet." "Thank you, I'm happy to have this opportunity too" I respond with a slight blush.

Over the course of the hour Christian and I talk, explain to John where we are and what's been discussed. He watches us both and I worry about an appraisal from him at the end. Is this how these things work? Christian seems to sense my unease and he smiles at me gently, reassuringly. All the while Dr Flynn watches him, watches us. As we stand to leave Dr Flynn shakes hand with us, as he takes my hand he says, "It's been a pleasure to meet you Anastasia, I've enjoyed the opportunity to get to know you. Perhaps we could speak again, with or without Christian." I smile then turn to Christian, "Expensive charlatan you say?" I almost manage without a smile. Christian's laughter fills the room, it is joyful and youthful, and I can't help but join in. "Thank you John, I may take you up on that offer" I finally manage as Dr Flynn looks on with amusement.

Christian

She amazes me. I can't help it. After everything she has heard today, the things she has taken on board she still manages to put me at ease. John's offer was a surprise but she took that in her stride too and I love how she remembered my words from the car, using them to disarm the good doctor.

As we approach my parents' house I try to prepare her for the reception. Anastasia seems calm but none the less I watch her closely as we pull up. They are all waiting but well warned following the conversation I had with my mother. To say that they look happy to see her would be a slight understatement. Even Elliot forgets about the whole _Anastasia is your first girlfriend _story and enjoys the reunion. Later I catch my mother alone in the kitchen for a moment and mention to her about Ana being so thin. With tears in her eyes she responds to my concerns saying, "Christian, Anastasia is fine. She is happy". Then softly in a voice more softly sobbing than anything else she says, "And so are you my darling." Then I do what I've never been able to do, I walk to my mother, hug her and say, "I am happy".

Ana

After dinner Christian suggests we go out to the grounds again. As we take in the fresh evening air and admire the stars I look at this man, this marvel in front of me. Things have changed so much and although change is something I used to dread, I know it's for the better so I finally accept it. Christian turns to me and lifts my chin. He gazes longingly into my eyes and I hear his gentle voice whisper, "I love you" before he kisses me. This kiss has all the tenderness of before but there is also a need and desire there too. I return all of these emotions and when I can I reply, telling him that I love him too. There is no perfect relationship, I know that, but Christian and I have already weathered a storm and as we stand here together I'm optimistic about our future.


End file.
